The Letter
by greatdumbking
Summary: He opened the letter and soon realized it was not for him, but for a woman, 'Freya'. She could be a number of people. Merlin's mother, for instance (did Arthur really not know Merlin's mother's name?), or an aunt, or a sister (he didn't know if Merlin had a sister either, really, what did he know about the man he called his friend?).


Merlin hadn't shown up to work that morning. After last night it wasn't a surprise.

It wasn't the first time they'd fought, but it was one of the worst. In Arthur's defense, he had had a very long and tiring day comprised of disagreements with his father, and Merlin just wasn't doing his job. That was nothing new but it was enough for Arthur to lose it. So Arthur yelled and threw objects and Merlin, well- Merlin just stood there, looking at the floor with that look he sometimes got when he wasn't opening up to Arthur. Which appeared more frequently now.

Anyways it just infuriated Arthur more that he wasn't getting a reaction out of Merlin. After a while he gave up and order Merlin to get out of his sight. Arthur groaned now that he thought back on this. They were friends weren't they? Or they were getting there. But abusing his power is just pushing Merlin farther away. Maybe that's why Merlin wasn't opening up with him.

I fucked up. He thought. I really really fucked it up.

He got out of bed and decided that making peace with his one and only (hopefully still) friend was more important than dressing himself formally. So in his nightshirt (that he didn't usually wear at night) he made his way down to Gaius' chambers.

He knocked and no one answered. Maybe Merlin was so mad he refused to open the door. Maybe he was so mad he ran away. Maybe he was sleeping. The only way to find out was to just go in anyways. He was the prince after all. But he shouldn't abuse his power. But he wanted to know where Merlin was.

So he went in, and no one was there. Gaius must be out doing Gaius things.

"Merlin?" He hesitantly called as he approached the room he knew to be his servant's. "Merrrrlin- are you in there?"

Arthur knocked. No response. He'd been in his room maybe two or three times. Each time he remarked how small it was compared to his, with an incredibly thin mattress and no room to move around in. It just reminded him of how different they actually were.

Arthur had the same reaction this time as he pushed through the door and into the room. And the room was Merlin-less. Where could he have gone? Arthur pushed himself into the room, sat down on the edge of the bed, and sighed. How could he have messed up so badly?

As Arthur contemplated his current situational guilt, he saw a letter on the desk. Could Merlin have known he would come looking? Was this his note of resignation? He knew this was ridiculous, but it was an excuse to read the letter whether it concerned him or not. He reached out and grabbed it, noting again how small the room was that he could reach the desk without moving.

He opened the letter and soon realized it was not for him, but for a woman, a "Freya". She could be a number of people. His mother, for instance (did Arthur really not know Merlin's mother's name?), or an aunt, or a sister (he didn't know if he had a sister either, really, what did he know about the man he called his friend?).

Overcome with guilt for multiple reasons, Arthur read the following letter:

_Dearest Freya,_

_I know it has been a year since you died, but I cannot stop thinking of you. Every day I think of the life we could have had. I dream of our lake, and our cottage, and our lives where we needn't hide anything. And it's so hard because that is what I want more than anything in the world and we were so close. We were so close, and I let it slip away. I let him hurt you and I let the only person that truly made me happy die. I can't even look at him now without remembering what could have been if he hadn't- or if I hadn't-_

_I miss you. I miss you with all my heart. _

_And I know you said that I made you feel loved, but that wasn't enough. And I didn't just make you feel loved. You were loved. You are loved. I love you so much Freya and I never got to tell you and the guilt eats me every day and it's not fair and I really really truly love you. _

_And of course you'll never read this letter. But I can hope, can't I, that somehow you will know how missed you are. The world lost so much when it lost you. I lost so much. And you lost the most._

_I hope you're happy, now. Wherever you are._

_I love you._

_Merlin _

Arthur just stared at the paper after he finished reading.

Then he read it again.

He really did not know anything about this man he called his friend. That much was apparent now. He didn't know Merlin was in love. And she had died only a year ago. How could he not have noticed? How could he be so thick? Why wouldn't Merlin tell him?

Why would he tell _you_? His head countered. How many other tragedies has Arthur overlooked? Merlin was much more fragile than he thought. He had been through so much sadness. With his father, Will and now this Freya.

And who was _him_? Who did Merlin see on a regular basis who had hurt, and maybe even killed her? How could Merlin stand to stay around the one responsible for the murder of someone he loved?

Just then the immensity of the situation crashed down on Arthur.

Merlin.

I fucked up. He was mourning his love and I yelled at him. I wouldn't blame him if he ran away from me.

Just as he was sure Merlin had left him forever, he heard the door open to the room and in walked Merlin. Arthur was still clutching the letter sitting on Merlin's bed, but he quickly stood up and threw the letter back on the table. Merlin took it all in and his eyes rested on the letter. Panic settled in, but Arthur beat him to it.

"I'm sorry I came looking for you to apologize for last night and I thought you might be in here and then I saw the letter and I couldn't help it. I'm really sorry."

Merlin walked over to the desk and took the letter and clutched it in his hand.

"It's none of your business" Merlin said in the dejected, cold voice that Arthur had become accustomed to as he walked around his bed and put the letter in a drawer.

Arthur wanted to scream he was so full of guilt. He wanted to cry. He wanted to explode.

Instead he said "I can leave now, if you want."

Merlin , still facing the drawer, just nodded. Arthur turned to leave, but as he was opening the door, he took a lost look at Merlin.

"Why did you never tell me?" Arthur almost whispered, as if he wasn't sure he should be asking this question. "I could have given you the day off" he added as an afterthought, to justify his asking.

Merlin just laughed. But it was forced. He turned and looked at Arthur with those wounded eyes.

"What a great compensation." Merlin muttered. Compensation?

"What do you mean compensation?" Arthur carefully asked. Oh my god, he thought. Fuck, was I the one that hurt her? Fuck. No no no no.

"Who hurt her, Merlin?" Arthur was beginning to become desperate. "Who killed her?"

Merlin had the beginnings of tears in his eyes and just continued to stare as Arthur frantically searched him for answers.

"Who was it Merlin. Who was it. Was it me? Merlin answer me. Was it me? Did I kill her?" Arthur demanded hysterically.

Merlin looked away and stared at the floor. It was enough of an answer. Arthur stopped and stood perfectly still. Letting it sink in that he had ruined this man's life. His only friend. Who was crying because of him and he had no idea what to do.

"I'm sorry" He whispered. Merlin still stared at the ground, tears rolling down his cheeks, but he was trying to hide it.

"Please leave" Merlin let out in a shaky voice.

So Arthur did. He left and as soon as he got outside he ran to the stables and rode for hours in the woods, where he could be alone and let out his anger and guilt.

_I fucked up. _

The next morning Arthur didn't expect Merlin to come. In fact he wouldn't be surprised if he never saw Merlin again. He had so many questions. He could never ask them though.

But Merlin showed up that morning. Arthur was already up and as soon and he saw Merlin his brain exploded with guilt and he started rambling off apologies and didn't stop until Merlin said

"It's alright sire."

"No it's not Merlin it's really -"

"Please." Merlin interrupted him. Arthur stopped. He saw those eyes again. So hurt and full of pain.

So they went on as normal. Maybe Arthur would never know everything. If that's what Merlin wanted.

He vowed to never hurt Merlin again.

Never.


End file.
